Pictures of her five grandboys hung on the walls.They loved to see her come for visits when she could get there mostly by bus.Once she hitchhiked 200 miles for the easter holiday to be with them.She knew her ways were not theirs.Her ways were gentle now.They were adults all very capable of making wise decisions, she had shown them the way they did not see.They hardened their hearts so as not to be like their elders.They were mistaken.It had nothing to do with her she knew they loved her and were trying to fit into a very fast moving paced world she was moving out of.
She felt the loneliness of night  so deep into her centre that the dark made her feel like she was the only person living on the planet.She liked this odd feeling of obscurity.It brought in a kind of coolness she could think in,not like the sunny days when all she felt was guilt because she had not been more sucessful,more able to hang unto the money,the job, the man, the house, the trappings.The hostage! Now what did she value?Why was the answer ART! always the same answer ART!!!
Sour pictures in her mind came and went of a time when her daughters took advantage of her ability to feel guilt,she being broken in ways her daughters would never suffer.They suffered, yet they were not tormented in ways their mother had been.She sometimes thought of children at Nosowitz during the war.Life had cycled in a calmer warmth to the suffering of her children, as it always does for the next generation.
looking over the kodiak of  her mind the picture was a mere blur of her past.Like a snow storm fille with star dust of memories all wrapped up in a fairies wings and ready to take her to God.
She knew somewhere in herself she could have done better but she could never bring herself to the edge of the fates well enough to fly!!

her voice sounded like cinders under a door.In her eyes was the dimness of the poor!The deep slant of compassion swelled into points at the corners where deep lines lay into their traces.
This homey placid cottage on Ring-Haddy Island off the coast of Ireland spread out like a pancaked spiders web.Sand, field, and rock as far as the eye could see.
She had known all about the ways of betrayal, and for years now the absence of a flowing temperament.
Hadn't it been said once that she had filled a heart with gladness and kindness.For this was all she felt she was worth.
Having,meant living to her even in her humblest moments she never in her wildest dreams or her humblest moments ever imagined or thought she would become poor.She had no strength nor mental settings for it.
day after day and for all the cycles of years she was healthily provided for.
She would never need to be a tavern brat like her mom.She was likes by many and most found her personality charming even charismatic at musical events.She adored music more than anything in life.yet there was a loud brashness in her voice and a jerky false assurance in her laughter and shared joyfulness.
The house, the pool the car all meant she was worthwhile.One could surmise that her order of things, her modesty,and love of life had a structure that focused around abundance.To be left penniless never occurred to her.
There had always been such happiness,order and loving for days weeks years and years,she had always been able to maintain a free and balanced way of life.
Now aging and with her family members sick she wondered how on earth she would make it through another day?
She wore a used nightdress,used slippers and shoes,ate packaged food,then she  felt the cold coming from the floor of the room she paid way to much for out of her disability cheque. One of the deserving poor she used to write small cheques for from time to time: charity dwellers they were.Insects of the earth, leches, and parasites of humanity.
Friends of years and years had written her off now a unworthy as they thought as she had.Lazy, insecure stupid and lost souls.They felt she had not tried hard enough,fast enough when you snooze you lose.
She found money through the system of her ancestors and voters gone by,and they left her to it.Some of them had never known their own worth so to be near her was threatening to their own shells they may topple out of. Scarcity never feels good to the rich.
She would at times slip from her bed now when the whole world was asleep here she watched the cobalt blue starlite nights so far away.This reminded her of the many nights gone into eternity of homey times in her childhood village when she would ride out like the wind for the woods and the hills deep in the snow on her skidoo.Then at the top of Caledonia mountain she would shut off the engine and breath in the deep, still, fresh, cold air to her nostrils,staring dreamlike up into the stars the night the silence the dark mandala of winter.



to be continued:

Some say Love it is a flower.........

Ti's a very lovely fall day Ti's.Today the pots were out and singing on the stove with squash soup golden and shinning off into the storing bottles.Apples were jumping up and down from the pealing dish and then into the pie deep dish for the ready hot oven.Sweet fall smells were wafting up over the Bay  for the sea-gulls and other sky creatures to enjoy .
Had an old friend pass away his name was Shanney to me.We had a lot of fun as hairdressers in the 70"s.Working then for one of the leading hair salon's now worth millions.
Its weird when someone passes away you automatically remember all the laughter and fun you had with them or I do.I see him so intent on giving GOOD services to people and his smile was so warming with a twinkle of tease in his black eyes.he kept his nappy hair cut very short,and would have worn white skin if he could.
He used to walk by me as I was working on a persons head and say "hey not bad for a first haircut", man that used to drive me nuts!!!!and he knew it!!!!!xoxoxoxo
One time his girlfriend and I were doing a perm in her hair (she and I became friends for years)and it all fell out and down the sink!!!!!F___!!!I near shit-me-self!!!!We were crying in our soup and Shanney walks by and says "See that's what happens when you let her do your hair", "OH!! Go!!!AWAY!!! We both screamed it at him.She  had to go to the Ike and Tina concert at the Forum  in a wig that night and wore it for month!!!!She had used a chemical color I didn't know about.Man can I tell some stories from that shoppe.
Sometimes he would tease me saying "I bet I'll be the first black man you sleep with", and shine his white teeth at me and I would blush as he knew I would!!!!and quickly I'd walk back to my station.He was famous for teasing us girls in the shoppe.He hide standing in the dark coat closet one morning and when Margie opened the door he jumped out at her, nearly gave her a heart attack!!!!!LMAO
One time I  was serving a lady who was a local judge's wife.She asked for a non-appointed perm one Saturday morning,so I fit her in.as time goes by; the boss man comes to me saying" how come Edith Manderson's husband Judge Manderson had to wait for her out in his car!!!!!SHIT!!!
So I go to the receptionist "Winnie, you get that woman out of my book OUT OUT!!!!I will not do her next week....So sweet Winnie calls her and I can still hear her innocence "Edith,(laboriously slow and sweet) Kathie regrets that she feels she is not giving you the service you deserve,so we are placing you with a more senior stylist! Hog whash!!
Edith is now being served by Shanny every Saturday morning.Miracles never cease!!
Then after a few months I ask after her from Shanney in the staff room one day."Oh" he say s "I dunno",I haven't seen her since she pulled out her corncob pipe and I asked her if she wanted some wacky tabbacy in it!!!!!!"   "hahahahahahahahahahaha" and slapped his leg!!!!xoxoxoxo
Happy Heaven Trails Shanney      maybe next time you"ll be  the first!!!!! hahahahahahahahaha